Manhattan Hillbilly

The silliest dance since the Charleston

Twice a week on the streets of New York, the nuttiest dance takes place. And if you're not a native, you're not going to believe the steps.

First, let's accept that New York City is a dirty place. Any city with 8.4 million people living in close quarters is going to get a little messy. So every now and again, you have to clean the streets. On average, about two days per week. So how do you run a street sweeper up and down the streets when the curbs are literally jammed with cars? Answer: You force them to move. Practically at gunpoint.

If you drive a car in New York, the street you park on has a sign like the one at right. And for an hour and half twice a week, you have to be with you car if you want to hang on to your parking space. The dance goes something like this:

Let's say you're parking next to this sign, that says "opposite street parking Mondays and Thursdays 9 am to 10:30 am."  At 9 a.m. Monday, you either leave with your car or you move it and double-park on the opposite side of the street. But you can't just leave it there. You have to stay in the driver's seat with the engine running in case someone needs to get out or in case the NYPD traffic officer (who travels just ahead of the street sweepers) needs you to move.

Forget to be there at the designated day and time? Guess what. You win a great big parking ticket courtesy of the city of New York. Theoretically, you could get towed, but the odds are the sweeper will just work around you and your several-hundred-dollars-poorer butt.

Here's the fun part: Even after the sweeper comes, you can't leave. You have to stay either in your car, or within arms-reach for the entire hour and a half. So for a total of three hours each week, you'll see otherwise productive New Yorkers sitting in their idling cars down entire miles of streets, running the air conditioning and reading the latest Amy Tan novel. Imagine how many diseases might be cured or ad campaigns created if everyone with a car in this city didn't waste their time twice a week waiting to move their vehicles!

This is the craziest dance I've ever seen. And I still remember my clumsy friend Wilmer trying to learn how to Alaman Left in junior high square dancing class.

Simple things: Getting a haircut

OK, to folks from the North, this may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me: Where to get a haircut.

Next to finding good barbecue, biscuits and gravy and someplace to get my overalls laundered, finding a good place to get my hair cut is going to be a critical search.

Why, you ask?

Because in the South, getting your haircut is more a social experience than a pragmatic one.

Currently, I get my hair cut at the neighborhood barber shop. It's tiny. Three chairs. If you come in on a Saturday morning, you're likely to be waiting up to an hour before you get in the chair. But that's OK, because you didn't come there for the haircut. You came there for the atmosphere. And the conversation.

Atmosphere: You want minimalist. No Muzak. A TV with a sports channel on turned down real low is good. Mounted deer heads and taxidermically-prepared fish on the wall are big pluses. Photos of big fighter jets are also tasteful. Signs promoting hair-care products that haven't existed since the 1960s is a great touch.

Conversation: You don't want a barber who's silent. But you also don't want a chatty Cathy either. You want to be able able to have some back-and-forth about things. Some barbers like to talk the heavy stuff, like politics or what big movers and shakers in town are doing. Others prefer the mundane, like good places to eat or weather. Either's OK. It's a personal taste thing. But it's got to be a friendly give-or-take. Barbers have to engage in the conversation, but the good ones don't drive it. Nothing's worse than sitting in a chair while someone who doesn't share your political views preaches on for 20 minutes while scraping your ears with the clippers.

So this is going to be yet another tough search in the big city. I pay $10 for a haircut (I'm still smarting from when they raised it from $8). I suspect it will be quite more in NYC. And I'm not sure the barbers here have ever seen a deer, much less considered putting a stuffed head on the wall.